This is ridiculous. I'm sitting here in school, typing this out because I can't access the stupid new post page on my computer. I hate it when these kind of things happen to my com. Technology really hates me...

I think it will be a while before I can post. Let me try and fix this silly problem. Dang, and I had a really nice post coming up on Bridging Minds yesterday...

I was wondering if I should give a blow by blow account of the promos for each paper everyday. Maybe just the start and end. Tomorrow's paper should be fairly predictable. I'll slapping myself trying to keep awake as I read through unintelligible chinese words. There's nothing to send you to sleep like words you don't understand, haha...

So, the start. I don't consider today the proper start for the promos, cos all the main papers we actually have to study for are next week. And of course, I haven't finished studying. I've got to cover oligopoly for econs and the whole chunk of SEA history, along with bits and pieces of the Cold War flying here and there. To top it off I must sift through all the shenanigans of the Tyrones and keep up with Iago's plots. Sigh... Arts fac sounds so fun, yeah?

The whole break in my routine today suddenly made me feel like it's the holidays, which is the LAST thing that should be happening to me. I expect this feeling to increase as the consultation days draw near. Oh, for the joy of waking up late in the morning!

My keyboard is acting up again. Whenever it does the number one key functions as the "enter" key, meaning everytime I hit 1, like now, the 1 shifts down to the next line as though I just hit enter. Then I have to go back space it to the actual line again...

There's something ironic about two people seated in a cafe above the crowds watching couples go by, moaning about love lost and love to come, while the world looks on and assumes they themselves are a couple. Irony of Cupid! 'Tis a cruel fate that Eros should loose an arrow at every heart save mine. When will the day come when mud cake tastes sweeter than chocolate, and Earl Grey be grey no more?

In other news, the debaters' gathering on Saturday was a success. Food was sufficient, and everyone was happy. As for me, I succumbed to a stomachache after consuming oreo ice-cream and chocolate mousse cake simultaneously...

Here's to adri, and her bright future at Imperial College, London! Goodbye, farewell, come back soon! (I'm beginning to realise how terrible I am at writing cards or wishing people farewell...)

Meanwhile the stormclouds gather and the promos have reached us at last. I can only pray that I will maintain a calm mind tomorrow for GP. God help us all.

***

vicks: ah yes, how could I have forgotten about you. No wonder there was something conspicuously missing from the class that day. Don't worry, I still love you. You're one of those special few who make life in school bearable. :)

Irony

I just read someone's blog, and there was a comment left on the message boards that made me disgusted. If you knew who this person was, if you knew all about the background, you would heartily agree with me that that message was pure irony. Irony. Verbal irony, situational irony, IRONY.

I know too much for my own good.

Sometimes, I imagine scenarios when the buildup of tension has reached breaking point, and you burst out at me in rage, your typical, rash, un-thought through rage. This is the final unresolved issue, and I sometimes get a sense that our day of reckoning is still to come. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Maybe we'll just float away and continue with our lives without bothering about each other. But what if that day comes? It's a fascinating thought for me, because I imagine all the possible things you could say, and all the possible things I could reply you with. Will I explode in indignant and impassioned self-defence? Will I react calmly, biding my time, trying to make reason?

Oh well, I will leave things to the future. Let them come as they may, for I yet pray for a peaceful resolution. For now I must do up my Written Report... I actually felt such a sense of achievement after editing it last night. Hahaha, that thanksgiving list worked. And I'm still thankful. Thankful I have open and free friendships, where I can just talk openly and not worry about politics.

Count your blessings, count them one by one...

Okay. PW is really getting on my nerves. I'm getting cranky and snapping at people. I'm getting tired and annoyed. SO! To counter all this negativity, I've decided to take someone's advice and make a quick list of all the things I'm thankful for, and God knows there are many of them.

I'm thankful I was brought up in a warm and loving Christian home. I'm thankful I know Christ and I can read the Bible without persecution. I'm thankful my parents have jobs. I'm thankful I have food to eat everyday. I'm thankful my parents provide for almost all my material needs. I'm thankful I've been on many holidays overseas (Ahh, this is a nice one, because I always like to think of that beautiful German countryside and the bright sun shining on white snow as I stood far above the world in a corner of the Swiss Alps. I like to think of those great waves washing up on the Pacific coast of America, as the cute little squirrels scamper about the cypress trees in the background. Ahhh....)

I'm thankful for all my friends (I'm not going to name anyone specifically here cos that always causes much controversy and speculation). I'm thankful for my bed in which I will soon sleep. I'm thankful I can go to school. I'm thankful for chocolate, and indeed it IS the food of love because chocolate produces endorphins that give you the feeling of being in love, although I've never felt like that after eating chocolate. I just feel happy and satisfied, but that's enough for me. And to give credit to Shakespeare I'm thankful for music, or the little that I listen to, because anyway it is the food of love too.

Ahh, I feel better now! :)

Now abide these three, faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

What shall I say then? If I turn to one side PW lies there; if I turn to the other the promos loom. Both ways I am assailed, and both ways I must take. So here I am, trying to do up the damned Written Report, while trying to revise as quickly as possible. Why can't they leave PW till the start of next year, well before Block Test 1? Why must the Ministry continually pile work upon us while we try to study the subjects that ACTUALLY have some use for our future careers? Yes, some use. What use, tell me, is PW? Apart from splitting people apart in some vague hope at generating professionalism, I see no other use for it. Even its claim of promoting creativity falls flat. Students have always had the innate ability to generate great amounts of fluff. We are very creative. Perhaps PW helps to sharpen our fluffing skills.

Professionalism. As mature as JC students are vaunted to be (yes, I use the word vaunted here), we still fall short of expectations. Petty quarrrels, personality clashes. Why let personal conflicts get in the way of your work? Nobody said you had to like each other. Just get the job done! I thank God I was placed in a great PW group.

I am getting so tired. Everyday I come home wanting to sleep. I spend my days in school hoping to sleep. I've never slept so soundly on the bus to school before these two weeks! I need refreshment and revival. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and Friday's worship conferences. I think I'm so blessed to at least be in a school where your church is located. It gives me this sense that even though I may be bogged down by work and stuff, not too far away, standing atop that hill, is the house of God, a Sanctuary to the weary, a Refuge for the weak. The church is a physical manifestation of the hope I have in Christ, that all these temporal things will eventually fade away (God bless that happy day!) and I will find my eternal rest in the arms of the Prince of Peace.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.

Accountability

I feel encouraged by what Jayce said today in cell. She said our buddy group would be moving into a phase of accountability, as in we will be placing special focus on accountability. High time too. Accountability has always been a problem in my cell. So many times I find the friendships I have in cell so...superficial. Just a smile and a Hi! how are you doing? on Saturdays and Sundays. Sure, it's fun and interesting at times, and the people there are certainly much better than those you find in school, but I just wish we could go deeper. At least I can say that when we ask each other how we're doing, we mean it.

I suppose it's partially due to the fact that we only see each other on Saturdays and Sundays. I believe a friendship takes more time and effort to truly form. Which is why I like what our buddy group's going to do. Church should be the place where you can have stable strong friendships to last you through the rest of your life. And a stable strong friendship is not going to form by coming every weekend and acting as though everyone's fine and dandy.

Friendship. What a simple yet profound term. Managing friendships sometimes seems like managing Cold War politics. I hope it never comes to that. I think I've grown markedly more paranoid about my friendships in the past four months. I sometimes find myself analysing the simplest, innocent gestures of people. And this habit of analysing and dissecting actions is growing more and more entrenched. I have to stop myself before I start viewing the world through the eyes of a chess grandmaster, methodically moving pieces across the board, carefully weighing every move.

Man is a social creature, and I am inclined to be socially dependent. I think it's always been in me to be dependent on my friends somewhat. I feel awkward when I'm alone. I guess I'm kind of a paradox. When I'm in a new environment I tend to be very quiet and introverted, hence appearing slightly antisocial. But then once I meet new friends something kicks into gear within me and my mouth just starts working. And then I feel very disoriented when my friends suddenly move out of my social orbit. Does this mean I'm insecure? I always thought I had a realistic opinion of myself, and to be sure I in no way look down on my abilities, academically and mentally. But perhaps my social insecurity reflects another deeper area of myself, which I have yet to pinpoint. How well do we know ourselves anyway? What kind of a person do you view me as?

I love chocolate. My mom brought back loads of chocolate from Europe. If chocolate be the food of love, eat on, my love, eat on.

When peace like a river flows...

Peace. Today was so peaceful. First Beni said she liked this class size, then Miss Soh said this was her ideal class size. I agree with them both. Today's attendance was at an all-time low. About 13 people came, and everyone from yesterday's "opposing camp" was absent. Peace. If only it could stay this way, give or take a couple more people.

Mr Yoong was blasting at the class today. Mr Smith was commenting on how this was the first CA when people's grades were actually declining from the common test. The footsteps of Doom are drawing near. I hear the echoes calling, calling.

My mother's coming back from Europe tomorrow after 2 weeks there on a business trip! I think she's in Portugal now. And it so happens that it will be her birthday tomorrow, and I haven't gotten her anything... Now I sound like a really bad son... :( But in any case it was never a family tradition to give presents to each other. But I'm older now, so I guess I should be getting gifts for my parents... Oh well, there's still time to go shopping tmr.

Talking about shopping, I've been blowing cash like nobody's business. Not on shopping, but on food. Argh, food. One of the great pastimes of Singaporeans. I really HAVE to cut down on my expenditure. It's not even outside food lah, just school food, not that it's great or anything. I'm getting quite tired of canteen food. Ok, today was an exception. I realised Jack's Place has fantastic lunch offers...

Misery

I am so tired. I want to wash my hands of everything that's happening in class and work. I don't know why, but I just felt so upset over today's incidents. I know that all of this is completely unrelated to me, so I shouldn't be feeling anything at all. But, somehow, I just feel so caught up in class politics that I want to let go. I don't even want to be a neutral observer. I don't want to observe anything anymore.

It's so ugly, all of it. And I feel so helpless. I want to do something, but I can't. And since I can't, I want to go away, but I can't too. It's disgusting. This... "drama" as someone called it, is disgusting. A blatant show of the ugly side of human nature: bitchiness, self-centredness, selfishness, pride, anger, blindness. Blind. They are all blind. Can they not see beyond their own egos for a second and consider the greater good? Or step back and realise the futility of their actions, how it's doing no one any good, and is in fact worsening the situation?

Nope. They are all too caught up in defending themselves, in trying to protect their rights, their pride. But what happens in the end? Everyone around gets to see how ugly they are inside. The swirling darkness that inhabits their souls blinds them to the horrible reality of the truth: that they are naked in the light, desperately in need of a Saviour.

I am judging people again. I know. But this...this "drama" stirs up all sorts of emotions within me. Helplessness, like I said, misery, anger. Why anger? It's because I can't understand how the ones who already have the Saviour still do this. And it's been going on for months. I know I shouldn't judge. I really shouldn't. But have they not heard at all? Love your enemies and do good to those that hate you? Turn the other cheek? What reward is there if you love those that love you? How different are you from others?

I need to read the Bible.

What an interesting Sunday. I went to Benita's church today to witness Bryan's baptism. For an independent church I must say it's even more formal than my own Anglican church. That's the first time I've seen a worship service conducted with only a violinist and a pianist on a grand piano. And they even mix hymns with contemporary songs, which aren't exactly fast paced either. But oh well, to each his own. It was good to see a different community of believers worshipping God in their own special way.

Bryan sounded amazingly mature behind the pulpit as he read out his testimony. And then afterwards he kept repeating how I was his only classmate present at his baptism, which was an indicator, to him, of how popular he was. To me, it made me look suspiciously like a "loser" being the only one there from the class. hahaha... no lah, it was ok.

At this point I must apologise to Beni for leaving the baptism party without informing her. I'll make up for it one day, 'k?

Oh yes, good news. The very fact that I can sit here and type out this post means that my computer is up and running again! I had to completely reformat it yesterday in order to flush out all the spyware from the system. Like I said on Friday, the spyware had hit me with everything they got the minute I went online to download the free firewall. I think in future when I get a new com, which my father said we should get soon(yay!), I'll go buy a proper firewall from the shops.

And now, to prepare myself for the start of Term 4. The board is set, and the pieces are moving. The end has come. Ye doom draweth nigh. Through the night of doubt and sorrow onward goes the pilgrim band. Dust to dust, ashes to ashes. As it was, so shall it be again. Arm yourselves, and be ye men of valour! Once more, into the breach.

(sorry, that was a sudden bout of freeflow "doomsday" writing. I quite like this sort of literature. The words carry such weight.)

I HATE my computer

As I type, my computer is still struggling to recover from a crash last yesterday afternoon. I don't know what happened, but the whole thing just refused to start. Windows could not start because some file was apparently missing or corrupted. So I had to initiate the recovery system, and since last night I've been trying to install back all my programs. Thankfully my documents and files are still intact.

For some reason everything on my computer now seems to lag. It's taking me an eternity to go onto any webpage. It was hell trying to reestablish the damned firewall. The minute I went online I was hit by everything in the spyware arsenal. Damn You Spyware! I tell you, I don't what kind of sick, demented, sadistic creatures invented spyware. I can't begin to describe how infuriating it is to have pop ups all over the place. I had to scan the whole com and reboot and clear everything out. All this just to download the free firewall... And the com is STILL lagging...

I think this incident and the past week have brought to light a fact about myself that I have known all along, but has resurfaced like never before these few days. I am a control freak. I can't take it when things don't go the way I want them to or plan them to. I get soo mad when the com breaks down. I stay awake worrying about all the things I haven't done and have to do. The silly article for the publication, plan the debate dinner, study for the promos... These three are the biggest that keep bugging me. The debate dinner is all but planned complete, and I hope to God that Owen is sending out those invitations.

The promos. Argh, the promos! I get so worried every time I look at my notes. It's like there's so much to do and I've only covered so little. And here's the ironic thing. When I try to sit down and study, I get even more worried and anxious because I know there's so much more to cover. Oh, Lord, help me! And then I turn to the Bible, which calms me temporarily, but when I'm done reading I look back at the work and worry again. I just can't let go. I NEED to let go. I MUST TRUST in God. And yet it's so hard. It's human nature, isn't it, to worry about every little thing? It's part of that desire to control every aspect of your own life. But that's not how it was meant to be. And that's why we fell, because of this, Original Sin, Pride, the will to be master over our lives.

I think this is how people start out on the path to a nervous breakdown. I pray it will never come to that. I pray.

After a loong night on Thursday, we emerged on Friday morning with a half-completed Written Report. The Written Report. What a lovely idea. PW, what an even better idea. If the main goal of PW is to inculcate greater creativity in students, I must say it's doing it's job well. Our ability to fluff up stuff is certainly improving rapidly. Like Vicks said, PW has made her a master in the art of bullshitting.

I had such a great time during PE yesterday, which is extremely rare. Because for once, we were allowed to play badminton. And badminton is always a great social sport. More so when you add players like Musa, Naseem, Vicks and Benita into the picture. Then it gets REALLY hilarious. Watching Naseem try and serve was soo funny. Not that I'm a great player anyway. I can't even hit shots when the shuttlecock is that close to me! Oh well, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Until Mr. Khoo made me do chin-ups. Ouch. My arms are still aching.

I went for the Red Cross Debate Series Symposium in the afternoon. International Humanitarian Law(IHL) seems interesting enough, but the speaker nearly made me fall asleep at several points during his presentation. I only truly woke up in the last 15 minutes of his speech. All he had to do was mention how the particular issue he was currently speaking on might be a crucial area for debate...

Today, my cell group goes off to Sentosa for fun and games and sun. Or maybe not sun, because the whether doesn't look too good from my window. I, on the other hand, will remain at home to study and catch up on my work. I think it's better this way. I need time to consolidate my thoughts and schedules...